I Can Be A Classic.... Or Maybe I Am More of a Hot Rod.

The key is to understand that marriage is like a luxury sports car. You wouldn't spend your life's fortune on a new, shiny, red sports car and then stop changing the oil. Marriage also takes regular maintenance to run properly. If it is left virtually ignored for a period of time, warning lights will come on. If those are ignored, it will break down. The good news is that when a breakdown occurs in a marriage there are expert mechanics who can help you rebuild the relationship. You just have to be willing to work on it. (But unlike a car, you can't simply trade it in for a new model. The old problems tend to follow you when they are not addressed. And, if you stick with it, your marriage will become an enviable "classic" you would never even want to sell.) ~ exerpt of What Makes Marriages Get Better? by Amy Desai, J.D.

This is amazing to hear coming from another person... I have totally felt this way and have even used it as an example. Why do we listen to the beeps or dings coming from our car, but not when they come from our relationships?

God's Sweet Voice

It's been so long since I've heard it - It's been so long since I've listened. Sunday, God spoke clearly to my heart....... and this is what God said.

I told you, I wanted you closer.
I want you to trust me.
I am sorry that you are going through this right now - but I needed you to come to me, to trust me and to believe me. I do have control of this circumstance. I will not let you down. I love you and I will speak my truth and awe through you.
Glory is mine and I will protect you. I am bigger than you and bigger than this hurt, know that this is the best thing for you. I told you I'd pull you close. In your story, I will be glory.

Father, thank you for your words to my heart. I really needed them, and I do trust you father! I know that you remember your pormises, and that you love and honor marriage.

Approval Required, and Granted

Thank you for everyone who commented or replied to my blog yesterday. I did talk to David about it, and asked how he would feel if I blogged about us - that I had posted something and wanted to know that if he was uncomfortable with it that I would take it back down. He said it didn't matter to him, and that it wasn't like anyone would read it. :) lol I agreed, the only real reason people read it was because I had send out an email to a few friends, that were already full aware of the situation. I am trying to be considerate of his feelings, and wasn't trying to embaress him or spill our dirty laundry out - just me thinking and talking through typing. It's a good way for me to stay positive and not let all of this get me down. :) If David would have told me that he didn't like the idea or wouldn't want me to blog about it publicly - I would have just went back to the good ole pen and paper, respecting his wishes. Because I truely to desire a transformation in myself, I am tired of being the person only the world sees - I want everyone to see the real me that I know I am.
'Cuz I am pretty fun and cool. :)

Stay

Where have you been,
My long lost friend?
It's good to see you again.
Come and sit for a while
I've missed your smile
Today the past is goodbye.
Time can't erase
A lover's embrace.
Can't you hear it calling?
A new day dawning
You were longing to find.

Love's taken you far
Away from my heart,
And I've been here all alone.
Have your eyes failed to find
What took you from mine,
A vision that's faded through time?
But you sailed away,
A fine summer's day,
Cause you heard it calling,
A new day dawning,
You were longing to find.

There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin don't turn away
Don't doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I'm right where you are
Stay

There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin don't turn away.
Don't doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I'm right where you are
Stay.

The Pouring Out of My Heart

As some of you will know, David and I have been struggling with the happiness in our marriage lately. There has been many factors of the course of many months, that have slowly tugged us away from each other. We both have been selfish and hurtful and we need prayers! We need strength to focus on the right thing to do, and not always what we want to do. It's very difficult for both of us right now, and (I think) we are both trying to take it slow and think things through. Please keep praying for us and our marriage. David has told me that he might want a break from our marriage and  for me to move out for a while. I've tried to tell him and show him (in love) that I am not going anywhere, in space or time and that I can not stop doing my job as a wife just because he might decide that he wants to stop doing his job as a husband. This is seriously the most difficult thing that I've ever had to think of facing in my life. I went to church yesterday, it was wonderful and God spoke clearly to my broken heart. I am trying to stay positive and focused in love (instead of being crushed and destroyed by this) and even though my group bible study is up, I am trying to be in the Word, knowing the only true transformation comes from the Lord. (and boy am I seeing how much I need transformed!) Lord do your work in me! Let my heart be rebuilt in you the master carpenter! I have been so blinded by the person that I've become, I have been so wrong in my words and actions.

I hope that David can forgive me, and trust that I want to try again, this time whole hearted and not staying protected and scared. I also hope that David is talking and listening to the right people, not the people that might be telling him that it's all up to him, it's his decision that matters, he has to do what's right for him, and sometimes you just have to think about yourself. That's not love - and that's not the commitment that we made to each other; that is just more of the selfishness that we've already both shared enough of, I think it's time we both try something new. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-13 reads "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (People from all walks of life and spiritual beliefs come to this verse to learn how to love; then why do we allow ourselves to direct each other in the opposite direction? Why is it so hard to tell each other to stop being so selfish all the time, and to do what's right? I don't have the answers, I just know that it is difficult, it seems we don't want to take away their right to be selfish, just in case they try to do the same for us.)

I tried to say that (we needed to try something new other than us both being selfish) at dinner of Saturday, where he told me that he feels like he has changed, and has already checked out ... doesn't think he even wants to work on us. I can understand not wanting to sometimes, cuz this is hard! this isn't an easy peezy thing! but I just hope that he will be open to trying. We took a drive after dinner and he finally did talk to me more about the "things" that have been bothering him for so long that he's ready to give up. None of these things are "deal breakers" alone, but for him he's thinking all together they might be. :( I have been trying to adjust the few things that he told me about Tuesday before last and tried to show him that in even two weeks, that I've cared enough about his words that I am adjusting my attitude and self. (They are good changes; that need to happen with or without him, so don't worry about me changing for a man.) I have been able to see how truly selfish that I have been in our marriage - thinking I've not doing this, because he hasn't done that - and feel ashamed that it has come to this for me to realize it. I have not been a good wife, and it breaks my heart. I want to change, I want to be a better me, I want to love more purely, and I want to be an example of a great marriage that only God could have held together. And I really pray that we are on our way there. That's a huge prayer of mine right now, that God will open both David and my hearts to be able to listen to Him, understand the meaning and need of our marriage and commitment we made, and the desire to give real un-selfish love. :) I am trying super hard to make some needed adjustments in myself right now, and please pray that the Lord continues to give me power and strength. Love you lots! Thank you, thank you for all of your prayers, nice words and thoughts to check in on us. I don't know what I would do without you right now.