Any Beginning Starts With the End

It feels like recently I've had a lot of new beginnings in my life.

I'm officially a college student again. It feels good to be back in school, to have a new start - and a new future. One with a degree, which makes me happy, and the student loans that go with it, which makes me not so happy.

This new beginning can only start with the end of other parts of life.
Beginning to plan out study time ... ends with unplanned days with no schedule.
Beginning to complete classes ... ends with random house chores.
Beginning to thinking in dreams ... not in goals.

I remember so clearly...

I remember the day so clearly, when David and I found out that Joe went to the hospital for a couple of scans. Scans? Scans for what we thought!? We had just hung out with Joe and Sue a few days before that and the didn't mention anything. Biopsy? Biopsy for what?!

I remember so clearly Joe's laughter and smiles, even after he began the chemo treatments. We were hanging out regularly on the weekend days that he felt good. He made us feel like nothing much had changed, I think we made him feel that way too.

I remember so clearly Joe's words in his care page emails - the floods of responses that he would get. He was trying to be honest with all of us, and give US the encouraging words and hope.

I remember so clearly going to dinner with Joe & Sue, watching movies and feeling like nothing in the world would change the four of us.

I remember so clearly celebrating the word remision!! The life that had been in "pasue" could begin again. And the defeat that rang through my heart, with the words "it's back."

I remember so clearly our special trip to Mexico. Planning the trip with Joe, hoping that Sue and David would be fine with our decisions, and the realizing that they didn't have a choice in the matter. :) Talking on the beach, a deep sea fishing trip & the best chicken mole of my life along with a chocolate fountain dessert!

I remember the words that spoke of the end. Wanting to scream, cry and kick.

I remember so clearly not knowing what to say, what to do or how to help. I remember wanting to help, but not be in the way. I remember not saying enough, not doing enough and not feeling enough.

I remember so clearly telling Joe that I loved him for the last time, and getting a very sleepy "I love you too" in response.

I remember so clearly the pain that made me numb. The phone call. The deva ju of the week before losing David's Grandpa Ted.

I remember so clearly knowing that my heart was not the only one hurting, not the one hurt the deepst. Emotions feeling like slivers rocking through our worlds.

I remember Joe., so clearly. I miss Joe so much.

I remember that's why I walk. I walk so that I remember.

http://pages.lightthenight.org/rm/DenverL11/JEberhard