Today someone told me that they were proud of my tenacity. Knowing that it was a compliment, that they thought I was on the ball, know what I want, make things happen, have it all together.... I wondered a bit.... really? Do I have tenacity? Am I tenacious?
Not that I didn't know the meaning, but wanting a deeper understanding of the word they used, I decided to look it up...
Dictionary: tenacious adj.
Holding or tending to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view.
Holding together firmly; cohesive: a tenacious material.
Clinging to another object or surface; adhesive: tenacious lint.
Tending to retain; retentive: a tenacious memory.
[From Latin tenāx, tenāc-, holding fast, from tenēre, to hold.]
So now I am wondering even more.... really? am I?
Tenacious, such a neat word- it speaks to me with strength and courage. Things that I don't really think that I have.... so now I am really confused, do I really have what it takes to be tenacious?
Do I have strength and courage to persistently hold on to what's important to me?
Things are easy, it is not often people try to take things away from you, yet when they do (such as robbery) you feel so violated it is surprising.
Ideas get more complicated, there are always people trying to change your mind or telling you that it's impossible give up on that idea. Ideas are hard, I have the dreams, but where is my drive?
BUT people are the worst! Relationships are so difficult! I don't really feel like I have an courage or strength when it comes to most of my relationships, I just go with the flow and let whatever comes come, I think that's how I have been my whole life, just enjoying the people that God has placed in my life, knowing that His plan is right. I just recently started wondering about the courage it takes to grow relationships with these great and fabulous people that He has places with us.
Relationships can be like the seasonal growing flowers or they can be like the quick sprouting weeds, but the best kind are like the slow growing, deep rooting trees. These are the relationships that you care for as needed, but overall trees don't even have to be watered or fed, yet they continue to grow- the best friends, the kindred spirits, the soul mates, however, when you do water and feed trees- it's amazing how strong and beautiful they become.
No matter what kind of relationships you may have, they take time and courage. You need TIME to learn about the other person, hang out with them, ask questions, listen when they talk, listen when they don't & love them for who they are. You need COURAGE to allow them to learn about you, opening up to them, honestly answering questions & let them know what you are about and who you are or maybe who you are trying to become.
I honestly don't think that I have done this very well. I wish I had more time to give my growing relationship & even the tree relationships that have stood the test of time. I wish I would have had more courage with these relationships, what would have been different if I would have said, "No - I don't agree with you" "I am telling your parents." "No, you can't treat me like that." "Yes, I can." "I want to go to college." "Can I call you?" "I love spending time with you." "Yes, I feel the same way." "Hi – remember me?" "I am sorry." "You might not know this, but I Love You." (Maybe that's not fair, cuz I am sure things would have been different, if I would have kept my mouth shut at different times in my life as well.)
Anyhow, I don't see how I could be tenacious (persistently holding on) if I haven't actually went out and grabbed anything that I have wanted. I stalled out- listening to the na- sayers, the impossibles, the never-gonna-happens. I haven't been bold enough to stand up for myself, my feelings or the things that I believe in. I have just gone with the flow, being "laid-back" & "flexible" – but now I wonder… is that actually a good thing? Maybe, I would rather be hated for being the bitch that knows what she wants & what she is capable of, showing people how she feels (even if it is just for a moment), telling people what she thinks (even if it isn't what they expect). Not worrying about the possibility of being hurt (why is that such a big fear for me) or apologizing for her possibly bad timing (why do I expect everyone else timing to be my own). That would be tenacious; strong, courageous, persistently holding on, holding together firmly.
Not something that I am not, have never been & doubt the world is ready for.
So thanks for the compliment, for I know you meant well, but unfortunately it hurt me, it makes me want to cry & it makes me angry that you don't really know me. I wish I was how you see me, but I am not.
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