Transparent

Today, I am wondering how tranparent I really am. It came to my attention this weekend that I am a faker. :( And I just wonder who really knows me and who thinks they know me....

We were talking about how self-esteem is directly related to accomplishments. And really, that making lots of sense, I don't feel like I have really accomplished much of anything in life. I don't feel like I have ever been pushed or tested to my extreemes, that I haven't been able to make myself go for something that seemed out of reach. I am a faker, I can half ass just about anything & it looks good on the outside. Glaze this over for this person & add a quickover lay for this one. Making the stories, charaters and drama happen to what they are needing and think my life is.

I don't know why all of a sudden this popped out to me this weekend (and made me cry of course), but it made me think of how many things that I think that I am holding back on & yet I wonder if I am actually more transparent than I think. Do people know what I am feeling, saying or thinking, before I say it- or even if I don't say it? Picking up the true meaning behind things, instead of making them "fit" what they know about me? Heck, do I even know what I am meaning? Half of the time, I would think not. It's nice to have friends and family that know you that well, I can only think of a few that would probably be up to this task. Yet, I hope that I have a good enough connection with my friends, that they can feel transparent with me; without the glaze and overlays.

Transparent, also makes me think about how sometimes I feel in a large group, or small one for that matter. I wonder how much of it is me slinking off into the background vs. being overlooked. Somehow, around the holidays this becomes a regular feeling for me. Transparent, over looked, unimportant. I hate it when people can talk directly to you, ask a question & then completely hear what they want to hear.
"Would you like some Jello."
"Yes, thank you"
& then pass it the other way or skip you.... like you are invisible.
This happens more often than not with family and even worse with My Deere Loving Husband. Sometimes, I feel like I could just kill him. :) I couldn't and won't though, he is stronger than me.

I really enjoy hanging out with a group; we have a lot of fabulous friends. I just hope that I never make anyone feel transparent.