The Sarum Primer prayer

God be in my head
and in my understanding;

God be in my eyes
and in my looking;

God be in my mouth
and in my speaking;

God be in my heart
and in my thinking;

God be at my end
and at my departing.

(from Jan 2011 - The Newsletter Newsletter)

I'm not over you yet...

Just ran into this song today - I don't know why but I love it. Guess I'm not feeling like myself lately....

Title: Hear Me Out lyrics

Artist: Frou Frou

 

I join the queue on your answer phone

And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up I know you're there
Can't you hear?
I'm not myself


Well, go ahead and lie to me
You could say anythingSmall talk will be just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up
The sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)



So how do I do normal?
A smile I fake
the "per-ma-nent-way"
cue-cards and fix-it kits
Can't you tell?
I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up
"This" sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)

Hear me out
Listen up
This time you gotta listen to me - yeah
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer?
I join the queue on your answer phone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up, I know you're there...

So listen up
"This" sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line, can you handle it?)

Holy Crap we won BEST banner @ Flatirons!!

Our banner rocked!!! And I can't take ANY credit, it was all Sue and Denise as far as I am aware. :)

Look how good Lilly and Jacbo carried it!

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Really was a beautiful night. I'm looking forward to walking next year already.

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Can you find the smile?! :) Who knows what Steve said to Sue at this point. :)

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Good shot of the whole team!!! I just can't tell you how much I love all these people!!
And the shirts were way! too cool. :)

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Rememberance Service before the walk.

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Friend Sarah and Mr. Jacob before we figured out they had the wrong color balloons. :)

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

More of the team. :)

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

We are writting on ribbons in Memory of Joe, but we all made Jenny do it cuz her handwritting is much nicer. :)

Flatirons Light the Night 2010 Part 2

Flatirons Light the Night 2010

Thank you again to everyone that supported me at the 2010 Light The Night walk in Flatirons! We were a part of raising $91,000 and almost a full million in the Rocky Mountain chapter. Check out more details here http://pages.lightthenight.org/rm/Flatiron10/JEberhard

Personality Conflicts

I liked this. Go find out what kind of time managment personality you have, click this LINK.

But what does it mean when I would be the one seen rushing (not running, never running LOL) to my car, forgetting that I have to go to the restroom, with full arm carrying my lastest project, that I haven't had enough time to committ to it, because of other tasks I am trying to hold down, trying to tell myself, I'll get to things only when I get to them, all while on my phone texting...... I know, I'm crazy. :)

Pain

Is pain the ultimate feeling? It seems to be such a stong motivator sometimes. Stronger than happiness, stronger than it all it seems. Pain can be theroputic as well, shared with friends, shared with no one. There has been a lot of pain in my life right now, some growing pains, some from injuries inflicted by others. I am just trying to figure out how to think through the pain ... How to move on ... Or if there is a moving on.

Is dreaming small worth dreaming?

Holy Cow I love this entry: http://beingagirlbooks.com/blog/2010/10/the-dangers-of-playing-it-safe/

Doesn't Seem Possible

I think the most important thing that I learned from my small time (10 years) that I got to know Grandpa B, and be a part of his family is that: there is value in a good story. Grandpa's stories were so much fun, they were also very long - but when you asked, he told you. I loved that! and I loved him.

Can you TASTE it? Sushi Night

Looking forward to going to dinner tonight with some friends, for a fix of my newest obession. :) Speciality rolls at Happy Sumo.... mmmmm, yummy!!!

Light The Night Support Request

I'm raising money for a very important cause, through The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Light The Night Walk:  finding better treatments and cures for blood cancers so patients can live better, longer lives. I'm asking you to help by making a tax-deductible contribution!  Please use the link in this email to donate online quickly & securely.  You will receive an email confirmation of your donation as soon as it is made.
As you know, Lymphoma is the nasty disease that took Joe Grein, our 28 year old cousin and best-friend whom David and I are walking in memory of, a year ago this October. This is a very close, personal and important cause for us! Please help us support this walk, and this great organization that was a direct support to Joe and Sue as they battled through each step of the process. In Memory of Joe - Cancer Sucks!! 

I thank you in advance for your support which will make a difference in the lives of thousands of patients battling blood cancers.
  
I really appreciate your generosity!! The actual walk is Sept 25th, so please donate as soon as possible, to help us cover our goal. http://pages.lightthenight.org/rm/Flatiron10/JEberhard (or click the picture above)

Cute!

LOL - I love it!

Wobbly Weekend

Weekend was so fast - and so not productive like I would have prefered. I don't feel rested, I don't feel like I "got ahead" of anything. But I do feel like Monday is going well. So.... I'll take it.

I need my FRIENDS!

This really made me feel good this week, an email shared by a friend . :)

I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection--the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry
at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for
his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she
could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first
everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin--a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings? --rarely. Women do it all of the time.

We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health.
He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as
jogging or working out at a gym. There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat
yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health!
We are indeed very very lucky. Sooooo let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends.
Evidently it's very good for our health.

Rules of Engagement

Ugggghhhhhh - I hate following the rules. And what do I even hate more than following someone else's rules? Making my own to follow.... (sigh) So when I was directed to sit down and make my own "rules of engagement" when it comes to communication and conflict, I just shuttered. But why do I have to do this? I don't wanna!

I guess, mainly because there is a much nicer feeling that comes with "I'll try" or "maybe"

then a set of Rules,

made by Myself

to follow - for the bettering of myself being understood

or even for something much more important: my marriage.

Reading this today: "Pretty soon your mate started to slip off your lofty pedestal, and you off theirs. The forced closeness of marriage began stripping away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity."

That's heavy, I do feel that way, - but I still don't want to create rules that I have to follow and he doesn't. Ok, I am being selfish, so I keep reading: " don't think living (this) will drive all conflict from your marriage. Instead, this is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side.
Both of you. Together."

I still don't wanna, mainly because I don't like to admit to myself when I fall - it hurts, it's hard to be disappointed in yourself and feel set up for failure. But I'll do it. Whew! This is really hard for me, I want you to know. :) I'll do it.

Since there are two types of boundaries that I've been asked to create, "We" and "Me", and since my husband and I haven't had this conversation (mainly because I don't know how to bring it up) I will only work on the Me Boundaries today.

• I will not mention divorce like it is part of our future.
• I will not lie to David.
• I will not look for zingers to hurt David.
• I will not fight in public with him.
• I will not let myself off the hook and blow up.
• I will not hit or strike in a harmful way.
• I will not talk before I pray and listen.
• I will not yell and scream.

All of this kind feels really negative, so let me re-phrase them.

• I will talk and remind us both of the long future that our marriage has, and celebrating our anniversaries together with joy!
• I will speak only in truth.
• I will speak kindly and in love at all times.
• I will let things go when we are in public, and politely ask that we re-visit that issue when we are alone.
• I will control my feelings and stay calm.
• I will touch only in love and affection.
• I will listen first, and pray to my God before speaking.
• I will speak gently and keep my voice down.

I have made my rules and I will play by them for "If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand." Mark 3:25

Have I ever really listened ?

Sunday's sermon at North Metro always gives us a few notes to dig deeper with ....

Today's is pretty rough,

Deeper Still Lifeway Blog- Recap

http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/womenallaccess/

Another woman's recap, from Lifeway.

Deeper Still, Denver CO

Oh my, I don't know if I can find the right words to describe the Deeper Still women's conferance this past weekend in Denver, but I loved it! I heard so much, I learned so much, I hurt so much, I loved so much, I sang so much, I praised so much, but I thankfully didn't buy so much! :) Over the next few weeks, I will be unloading some of my notes and thoughts, but until I have the time to do that here is a video that shows what Deeper Still was about in a nut shell.



Deeper Still - Denver CO from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

My Heart is Still Breaking Today

You Pick Me Up

Father God, Every time that he crushes me, rolls me over to hurt my underside - Lord lift me up!

Somehow I feel like everytime he gets a chance David is rude to me, ignores me, makes zigger comments - and I am trying so hard to keep loving. Even though he is not filling me up, Lord! I know you will! I know you want to Father, and I want you to also. Lord, give me the patience and focus to get through this day succesfully Lord. Let me thrive in your presence, let me dance in your glory.

Lord pick me up while we twirl.....

I Can Be A Classic.... Or Maybe I Am More of a Hot Rod.

The key is to understand that marriage is like a luxury sports car. You wouldn't spend your life's fortune on a new, shiny, red sports car and then stop changing the oil. Marriage also takes regular maintenance to run properly. If it is left virtually ignored for a period of time, warning lights will come on. If those are ignored, it will break down. The good news is that when a breakdown occurs in a marriage there are expert mechanics who can help you rebuild the relationship. You just have to be willing to work on it. (But unlike a car, you can't simply trade it in for a new model. The old problems tend to follow you when they are not addressed. And, if you stick with it, your marriage will become an enviable "classic" you would never even want to sell.) ~ exerpt of What Makes Marriages Get Better? by Amy Desai, J.D.

This is amazing to hear coming from another person... I have totally felt this way and have even used it as an example. Why do we listen to the beeps or dings coming from our car, but not when they come from our relationships?

God's Sweet Voice

It's been so long since I've heard it - It's been so long since I've listened. Sunday, God spoke clearly to my heart....... and this is what God said.

I told you, I wanted you closer.
I want you to trust me.
I am sorry that you are going through this right now - but I needed you to come to me, to trust me and to believe me. I do have control of this circumstance. I will not let you down. I love you and I will speak my truth and awe through you.
Glory is mine and I will protect you. I am bigger than you and bigger than this hurt, know that this is the best thing for you. I told you I'd pull you close. In your story, I will be glory.

Father, thank you for your words to my heart. I really needed them, and I do trust you father! I know that you remember your pormises, and that you love and honor marriage.

Approval Required, and Granted

Thank you for everyone who commented or replied to my blog yesterday. I did talk to David about it, and asked how he would feel if I blogged about us - that I had posted something and wanted to know that if he was uncomfortable with it that I would take it back down. He said it didn't matter to him, and that it wasn't like anyone would read it. :) lol I agreed, the only real reason people read it was because I had send out an email to a few friends, that were already full aware of the situation. I am trying to be considerate of his feelings, and wasn't trying to embaress him or spill our dirty laundry out - just me thinking and talking through typing. It's a good way for me to stay positive and not let all of this get me down. :) If David would have told me that he didn't like the idea or wouldn't want me to blog about it publicly - I would have just went back to the good ole pen and paper, respecting his wishes. Because I truely to desire a transformation in myself, I am tired of being the person only the world sees - I want everyone to see the real me that I know I am.
'Cuz I am pretty fun and cool. :)

Stay

Where have you been,
My long lost friend?
It's good to see you again.
Come and sit for a while
I've missed your smile
Today the past is goodbye.
Time can't erase
A lover's embrace.
Can't you hear it calling?
A new day dawning
You were longing to find.

Love's taken you far
Away from my heart,
And I've been here all alone.
Have your eyes failed to find
What took you from mine,
A vision that's faded through time?
But you sailed away,
A fine summer's day,
Cause you heard it calling,
A new day dawning,
You were longing to find.

There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin don't turn away
Don't doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I'm right where you are
Stay

There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin don't turn away.
Don't doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I'm right where you are
Stay.

The Pouring Out of My Heart

As some of you will know, David and I have been struggling with the happiness in our marriage lately. There has been many factors of the course of many months, that have slowly tugged us away from each other. We both have been selfish and hurtful and we need prayers! We need strength to focus on the right thing to do, and not always what we want to do. It's very difficult for both of us right now, and (I think) we are both trying to take it slow and think things through. Please keep praying for us and our marriage. David has told me that he might want a break from our marriage and  for me to move out for a while. I've tried to tell him and show him (in love) that I am not going anywhere, in space or time and that I can not stop doing my job as a wife just because he might decide that he wants to stop doing his job as a husband. This is seriously the most difficult thing that I've ever had to think of facing in my life. I went to church yesterday, it was wonderful and God spoke clearly to my broken heart. I am trying to stay positive and focused in love (instead of being crushed and destroyed by this) and even though my group bible study is up, I am trying to be in the Word, knowing the only true transformation comes from the Lord. (and boy am I seeing how much I need transformed!) Lord do your work in me! Let my heart be rebuilt in you the master carpenter! I have been so blinded by the person that I've become, I have been so wrong in my words and actions.

I hope that David can forgive me, and trust that I want to try again, this time whole hearted and not staying protected and scared. I also hope that David is talking and listening to the right people, not the people that might be telling him that it's all up to him, it's his decision that matters, he has to do what's right for him, and sometimes you just have to think about yourself. That's not love - and that's not the commitment that we made to each other; that is just more of the selfishness that we've already both shared enough of, I think it's time we both try something new. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-13 reads "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (People from all walks of life and spiritual beliefs come to this verse to learn how to love; then why do we allow ourselves to direct each other in the opposite direction? Why is it so hard to tell each other to stop being so selfish all the time, and to do what's right? I don't have the answers, I just know that it is difficult, it seems we don't want to take away their right to be selfish, just in case they try to do the same for us.)

I tried to say that (we needed to try something new other than us both being selfish) at dinner of Saturday, where he told me that he feels like he has changed, and has already checked out ... doesn't think he even wants to work on us. I can understand not wanting to sometimes, cuz this is hard! this isn't an easy peezy thing! but I just hope that he will be open to trying. We took a drive after dinner and he finally did talk to me more about the "things" that have been bothering him for so long that he's ready to give up. None of these things are "deal breakers" alone, but for him he's thinking all together they might be. :( I have been trying to adjust the few things that he told me about Tuesday before last and tried to show him that in even two weeks, that I've cared enough about his words that I am adjusting my attitude and self. (They are good changes; that need to happen with or without him, so don't worry about me changing for a man.) I have been able to see how truly selfish that I have been in our marriage - thinking I've not doing this, because he hasn't done that - and feel ashamed that it has come to this for me to realize it. I have not been a good wife, and it breaks my heart. I want to change, I want to be a better me, I want to love more purely, and I want to be an example of a great marriage that only God could have held together. And I really pray that we are on our way there. That's a huge prayer of mine right now, that God will open both David and my hearts to be able to listen to Him, understand the meaning and need of our marriage and commitment we made, and the desire to give real un-selfish love. :) I am trying super hard to make some needed adjustments in myself right now, and please pray that the Lord continues to give me power and strength. Love you lots! Thank you, thank you for all of your prayers, nice words and thoughts to check in on us. I don't know what I would do without you right now.

Dry Heaves

I want to throw up but I haven't been brave enough to eat anything.
I want to do whatever I want to do.
I want to say whatever it is I want to say.
I want to talk to whoever I want to talk to.
I want to but I don't, because it's not the right thing to do.

So instead ...
I won't throw up, I'll even try to eat.
I won't do what I want.
I won't say what I feel.
I won't talk to who I want to talk to.

I won't care to love you anymore.

I remember on this very day a year ago, many of us gathered to celebrate Joe. It was a surprise party for his birthday!!! When I got word about it, I was soooo excited! It was fun sneaking around Joe's back - knowing that he would love the surprise, only after he was done being irritated. :) LOL

I remember the look on his face when he turned the corner and pow! a whole room of family and friends shouted and smiled at him. He smiled back, kinda - I don't remember the exact words, but something smart came from him, I am sure. :) We almost got in trouble, even though we weren’t the ones that planned it – I don’t think it mattered though, he knew we were all in on it together. We all had a great dinner, laughs and really had a good time. He handled the surprise well & was in such good spirits the whole night. Joe didn't like to be the center of attention, unless it was on his time and his decision.

Everyone once in a while, Joe made that decision – and watch out world, you might not know who Joe Grien is – but he would make sure you were watching! Which made him very fun to be around. Especially when hanging out with David (his cousin and friend), those two would get so goofy; Sue and I would just sit back to watch (babysit).  LOL David shared a little bit about a Habachi dinner, put put golf and taunting other cars night – some day I’ll let you know how that really went down. 

Your dad loved food; cooking it AND eating it. That is the majority of David and I's best memories, going out to eat with Joe and Sue. We liked food just as much, but somehow it showed up on us more than him - working for UPS I think he was able to burn more of our weekend delights off faster! :) Granted, he also would work out while training with the fire dept; which he loved!

I remember having Steak Night a bunch of times, Joe and David would grill. Sue and I would get everything else ready. Joe, Sue and I had similar seasoning tastes, which was really nice that way I didn't think I was crazy when David would complain about my cooking. LOL

I love how Uncle Steve wrote about Joe being a “quotes guy”; that is so true, I just didn't know how to say it. The quotes that I heard most were from our fav movies. We used to watch all kinda of movies and each one would show back up in life within a few days - when the moment was right, to use a quote from the movie. Some got used over and over - and still do till this day. Joe definitely made David and I pay more attention to these movies, so we could play along in the months to come. We are still training Sue though. :) I just hope that you (Jacob) will have the same awesome, wild, warped sense of humor that Joe did – and from what I can see now, you do. And that’s great! We’ll be able to have lots of good times.

In closing, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!!! You should know that even without you here celebrating with us – we are still celebrating you! Love you so much & can’t believe all that you have done for each of us! Thank you for the smiles, movies, steaks, laughs, tears, and honesty that you taught us how to share with you, and now without you. Even now, we are still growing from the time that we spent with you and we know that we are still so blessed to have you in our life! It is good for us to remember, it is good for us to still laugh, because if we weren’t – you would make us laugh by reminding us that “you piss excellence” (Talledega Nights), or that “it's so good, once it [beer] hits your lips, its so good” (Old School), or maybe even “We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only” (Blades of Glory). HEY MOM! CAN WE GET SOME MEATLOAF? (Wedding Crashers)

It's been over 150 days...

It's been over 170 days since David and I lost one of our best friends. I kept thinking that I would write something in a while, ... in a while - maybe later. However, now I am starting to see that it's probably more that because I haven't written anything, that it still hurts so much, verses finding the "right" time to write after the hurt starts to fade. Cuz it isn't and I am starting to wonder if it does.

October 11, 2009
David and I went over to have dinner and watch a movie with Joe and Sue. It wasn't a surprise that he didn't get up for dinner or wasn't interested in eating. He had been fighting this for over a year and a half; it wasn't over yet, but there wasn't much they could do. Keeping Joe comfortable was the priority. We had tried to keep his awake time, for other visitors and didn't bombard them like we would have liked too. Both Joe and Sue would get so tired from too many visitors; they were battleing this together, and both were showing signs of stress. We didn't want to make it hard on them- but at the same point, hanging out every weekend was so normal we couldn't stay away. David and I are both so very very blessed to have that last thing that we said to Joe that that we loved him, his response was he loved us too. And I will always treasure that!

Oh Baby, Baby!!!

Oh my goodness, somehow when I left the house I just knew it would be today! My best friend is possibly starting her labor with her 2nd child. Since I was there for the 1st, I am hoping to be there for the 2nd as well. I am so excited, trying to work still since I haven't heard any more details, but it's hard to stay focused. And! if I don't get an important work delivery, I am not sure if I'll be able to leave. Ugh.