The Pouring Out of My Heart

As some of you will know, David and I have been struggling with the happiness in our marriage lately. There has been many factors of the course of many months, that have slowly tugged us away from each other. We both have been selfish and hurtful and we need prayers! We need strength to focus on the right thing to do, and not always what we want to do. It's very difficult for both of us right now, and (I think) we are both trying to take it slow and think things through. Please keep praying for us and our marriage. David has told me that he might want a break from our marriage and  for me to move out for a while. I've tried to tell him and show him (in love) that I am not going anywhere, in space or time and that I can not stop doing my job as a wife just because he might decide that he wants to stop doing his job as a husband. This is seriously the most difficult thing that I've ever had to think of facing in my life. I went to church yesterday, it was wonderful and God spoke clearly to my broken heart. I am trying to stay positive and focused in love (instead of being crushed and destroyed by this) and even though my group bible study is up, I am trying to be in the Word, knowing the only true transformation comes from the Lord. (and boy am I seeing how much I need transformed!) Lord do your work in me! Let my heart be rebuilt in you the master carpenter! I have been so blinded by the person that I've become, I have been so wrong in my words and actions.

I hope that David can forgive me, and trust that I want to try again, this time whole hearted and not staying protected and scared. I also hope that David is talking and listening to the right people, not the people that might be telling him that it's all up to him, it's his decision that matters, he has to do what's right for him, and sometimes you just have to think about yourself. That's not love - and that's not the commitment that we made to each other; that is just more of the selfishness that we've already both shared enough of, I think it's time we both try something new. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-13 reads "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (People from all walks of life and spiritual beliefs come to this verse to learn how to love; then why do we allow ourselves to direct each other in the opposite direction? Why is it so hard to tell each other to stop being so selfish all the time, and to do what's right? I don't have the answers, I just know that it is difficult, it seems we don't want to take away their right to be selfish, just in case they try to do the same for us.)

I tried to say that (we needed to try something new other than us both being selfish) at dinner of Saturday, where he told me that he feels like he has changed, and has already checked out ... doesn't think he even wants to work on us. I can understand not wanting to sometimes, cuz this is hard! this isn't an easy peezy thing! but I just hope that he will be open to trying. We took a drive after dinner and he finally did talk to me more about the "things" that have been bothering him for so long that he's ready to give up. None of these things are "deal breakers" alone, but for him he's thinking all together they might be. :( I have been trying to adjust the few things that he told me about Tuesday before last and tried to show him that in even two weeks, that I've cared enough about his words that I am adjusting my attitude and self. (They are good changes; that need to happen with or without him, so don't worry about me changing for a man.) I have been able to see how truly selfish that I have been in our marriage - thinking I've not doing this, because he hasn't done that - and feel ashamed that it has come to this for me to realize it. I have not been a good wife, and it breaks my heart. I want to change, I want to be a better me, I want to love more purely, and I want to be an example of a great marriage that only God could have held together. And I really pray that we are on our way there. That's a huge prayer of mine right now, that God will open both David and my hearts to be able to listen to Him, understand the meaning and need of our marriage and commitment we made, and the desire to give real un-selfish love. :) I am trying super hard to make some needed adjustments in myself right now, and please pray that the Lord continues to give me power and strength. Love you lots! Thank you, thank you for all of your prayers, nice words and thoughts to check in on us. I don't know what I would do without you right now.